Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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