My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
