So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
