i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
