ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
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