I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
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