new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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