Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
