I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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