ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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