You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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