Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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