Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
Randomize
