Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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