Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
