I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
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