oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
