My liver just broke up with me...
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize