so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
