i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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