im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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