i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
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