I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Randomize
