:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
