If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Randomize
