when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
