Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
