I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
