Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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