some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize