I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Randomize
