I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
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