Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
You can't motorboat a personality
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
Randomize
