i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
