I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
