What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
