I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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