I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
