Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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