There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
