I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
this boner is exhausting
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
