My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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