I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
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