made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
he had hair everywhere except his balls
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
