i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
