he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
Randomize
