tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Randomize
