I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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