nut hugger
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize
