I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
So if i am talking to a guy and he sends me a pic and he is wearing Spiderman button down dress shirt.... Is it ok if i dont want to talk to him anymore?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
