Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
