You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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