dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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