Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
