Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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