So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
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