Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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